Your little comments about them either laughing or not laughing at your "jokey asides" reminds me of the movie Francis Ha. I recommend the watch if you haven't seen it. The protagonist is hilarious but everybody basically ignores her jokes and for some reason it's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen caught on film.
You're so right that you should never waste time on somebody you can't have a good laugh with. Also, good luck on converting men into marriage material, that will be the triumph of the century.
As observed by an older man who's been around the bend, I find today's dating scene amongst you youngsters a fascinating yet ultimately predictable study in theme and variation - it's all been done before, just at a different speed. But the condensed amount of time allotted for desire to compound before the ultimate act of sharing is, from a romantic's standpoint, sad. Things now develop in the perfunctoriness of warp speed. Whether the net volume of all permutations of sex has increased or not, isn't it curious we are experiencing a global decline in fertility?
I agree, the time compression is incredible. We're given one meeting in which to take decisive action, and if either person hesitates for any reason then it's onto the next one. In my experience, desire takes time to grow, and can often surprise you.
So much presumptive talk about sex, etc that spoils the magic. It's like asking a woman "Is it ok if I kiss you?" Many women would answer "It was until you said that."
Is this common male behaviour nowadays? I am appalled. How old were these guys? This behaviour is completely foreign to me. Even at a young age it was clear to me that commitment is necessary and that it would be my duty to act responsibly with women. Granted, I am probably the exception nowadays, given that my now wife was the first really serious relationship I entered, but also all around me most men my age have by now settled down and have families and I have never heard of such weaseling. It might just be that it's a urban vs. rural thing, as I dwell from a pretty rural place and come from a large family with mostly intact marriages.
Lifting weights at the gym in leather boots is the coolest thing I've ever heard in my life. This detail alone is enough to convince me that you're a cool amazing person!
I wish you had called the cafe and asked them to give the guy by the window your number! What a brilliant idea, if someone did that to me it would be the greatest moment that ever happened to me.
August! I loved all these vignettes under the same topic of finding and losing and hoping and crying and laughing and being horny all over again. I don’t think anybody talks about these things as well as you do in the scenarios. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I pretty much assumed you were British but it says you’re from New Haven? Well, if that’s true, I live in Northern Vermont, tell me if you’re ever around this area or in New York let’s get some wine, on me, of course (I mean the payment for the wine will be on me not the actual wine itself unless I’m wearing a white shirt in which case if you laughed, I would consider it a successful meeting) and if we both dare too, we can compare these and other incidents on the way towards something lying in intimacy. And I promise you I won’t even say the word “fuck” until we’ve met at least twice!
This was just what I needed to read after going on my first First Date in forever after a tough breakup, having a pleasant enough conversation with my date while finding out how rusty I am from not doing that type of socializing that's supposed to discover if there is a romantic connection (I guess I'll know it when I feel it again), knowing that we probably didn't project romantic vibes toward each other, hopping on my train from Manhattan back to Connecticut, then checking the Serious App to message her that I had a good time but was uncertain if our ceiling was anything beyond friendship -- only to find she already unmatched with me. As I'm rediscovering, confidence can be a fragile thing. But seeing your persist despite the roller coaster of men you've met and fighting against your own insecurities reminds me that I need to stop being so hard on myself right away, and dust myself up and try again. Thank you.
I think that, like you said, you'll know it when you feel it. Best not to overthink these things. Then again, whatever I'm doing is not working so maybe don't listen to me!
Sorry to hear about that letdown of a first date. Keep going. And say hi to CT for me.
At 82 now, my partner and I met on RSVP 12 years ago. I was a widow and nervous about the thought of sex with a stranger. (He was also a widower) Our first meeting was ok, he can make conversation which is a skill not all men have. He asked “could he hold my hand”?. He never assumed that I would fall into bed with him, I prefer the ‘get to know you’ approach but when it did happen it was fine. I see that nowadays the expectations to have sex early is something I find anxiety making. I also feel that putting the thought of marriage into an equation of friendship can be detrimental to the getting to know you process. In my opinion marriage and good sex come down the list with compatible being on the top
Your little comments about them either laughing or not laughing at your "jokey asides" reminds me of the movie Francis Ha. I recommend the watch if you haven't seen it. The protagonist is hilarious but everybody basically ignores her jokes and for some reason it's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen caught on film.
You're so right that you should never waste time on somebody you can't have a good laugh with. Also, good luck on converting men into marriage material, that will be the triumph of the century.
I love that film and am flattered by the comparison!
Thanks for the vote of marital confidence.
As observed by an older man who's been around the bend, I find today's dating scene amongst you youngsters a fascinating yet ultimately predictable study in theme and variation - it's all been done before, just at a different speed. But the condensed amount of time allotted for desire to compound before the ultimate act of sharing is, from a romantic's standpoint, sad. Things now develop in the perfunctoriness of warp speed. Whether the net volume of all permutations of sex has increased or not, isn't it curious we are experiencing a global decline in fertility?
I agree, the time compression is incredible. We're given one meeting in which to take decisive action, and if either person hesitates for any reason then it's onto the next one. In my experience, desire takes time to grow, and can often surprise you.
I love all of these, but especially 6: “He was alone, standing in a corner, looking uncomfortable. Just my type.” 😂
So much presumptive talk about sex, etc that spoils the magic. It's like asking a woman "Is it ok if I kiss you?" Many women would answer "It was until you said that."
"Is this okay? Is this okay?" – Just trust me to tell you if it's not!
I agree. It's so much different if am says, "I want to kiss you badly". HOTTTT.
What a better way of phrasing it!
Is this common male behaviour nowadays? I am appalled. How old were these guys? This behaviour is completely foreign to me. Even at a young age it was clear to me that commitment is necessary and that it would be my duty to act responsibly with women. Granted, I am probably the exception nowadays, given that my now wife was the first really serious relationship I entered, but also all around me most men my age have by now settled down and have families and I have never heard of such weaseling. It might just be that it's a urban vs. rural thing, as I dwell from a pretty rural place and come from a large family with mostly intact marriages.
Your piece on casual dating is lovely made. Thank you for writing.
This was such a fun, fascinating read! Thank youuuu
I also adore you! Glad I found you!
Lifting weights at the gym in leather boots is the coolest thing I've ever heard in my life. This detail alone is enough to convince me that you're a cool amazing person!
I wish you had called the cafe and asked them to give the guy by the window your number! What a brilliant idea, if someone did that to me it would be the greatest moment that ever happened to me.
Jokey asides are where the real magic lies.
On the up side, you've communicated with actual human beings. I just have crushes on ghosts. Heh.
August! I loved all these vignettes under the same topic of finding and losing and hoping and crying and laughing and being horny all over again. I don’t think anybody talks about these things as well as you do in the scenarios. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I pretty much assumed you were British but it says you’re from New Haven? Well, if that’s true, I live in Northern Vermont, tell me if you’re ever around this area or in New York let’s get some wine, on me, of course (I mean the payment for the wine will be on me not the actual wine itself unless I’m wearing a white shirt in which case if you laughed, I would consider it a successful meeting) and if we both dare too, we can compare these and other incidents on the way towards something lying in intimacy. And I promise you I won’t even say the word “fuck” until we’ve met at least twice!
This was just what I needed to read after going on my first First Date in forever after a tough breakup, having a pleasant enough conversation with my date while finding out how rusty I am from not doing that type of socializing that's supposed to discover if there is a romantic connection (I guess I'll know it when I feel it again), knowing that we probably didn't project romantic vibes toward each other, hopping on my train from Manhattan back to Connecticut, then checking the Serious App to message her that I had a good time but was uncertain if our ceiling was anything beyond friendship -- only to find she already unmatched with me. As I'm rediscovering, confidence can be a fragile thing. But seeing your persist despite the roller coaster of men you've met and fighting against your own insecurities reminds me that I need to stop being so hard on myself right away, and dust myself up and try again. Thank you.
I think that, like you said, you'll know it when you feel it. Best not to overthink these things. Then again, whatever I'm doing is not working so maybe don't listen to me!
Sorry to hear about that letdown of a first date. Keep going. And say hi to CT for me.
Thank you again. You keep going, too! Rooting for all of us to find that connection. And finally: Connecticut sends a delighted "Hello!' back to you.
At 82 now, my partner and I met on RSVP 12 years ago. I was a widow and nervous about the thought of sex with a stranger. (He was also a widower) Our first meeting was ok, he can make conversation which is a skill not all men have. He asked “could he hold my hand”?. He never assumed that I would fall into bed with him, I prefer the ‘get to know you’ approach but when it did happen it was fine. I see that nowadays the expectations to have sex early is something I find anxiety making. I also feel that putting the thought of marriage into an equation of friendship can be detrimental to the getting to know you process. In my opinion marriage and good sex come down the list with compatible being on the top
The joy of romantic encounters! lol!
I was lucky to just meet my spouse on the #10 bus in Seattle...
back before there was an internet.
I think happiness is all in the talking... imho.
This is my ambition every time I get on the bus.
I'm sad that we're not friends IRL. I would be your best ally in scenario 1. But I'm really rooting for #7. Best wishes from across the Atlantic