August, my heart aches for you. Love does not require non-commital "space" and then squirm at questions about what that means. Never thought I would find myself quoting one of my mother's favorite verses, but it seems that we have lost track of what love is:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Do not give up hope :)
I've been in a similar situation with that "space" term. To be clear, I gave lot's of this "space" and it was never enough for them. It also, wasn't enough for me. Our needs are just as important.
I hope you can find a healthy relationship where he does not make you feel like you are too much. A healthy relationship would never make you feel this way.
Ohh I love this so much. You capture so many things well here. Love how you paint how it is to be insecure in a relationship and how that makes it harder to write novels. My husband was the first man I ever met who made me feel as if I were feminine and whole while being clingy. Now that I have a man who loves it when I'm clingy, the novel is doing better, too.
I have been re-reading "David Copperfield" and your writing brings me the same level of enjoyment. Your wry, vivid descriptions. “I feel like I'm really there.”
I get the urge to cast someone off completely (cf. phone turned off, gone to a different city) when they have caused me to feel abandonment feelings. For me the feeling/thought is: “See? I’m FINE. I don’t need you. I have a big, busy life filled with things that are not you!” (Without commenting on whether that behavior has really been effective for me,) that is well and good thinking for an enemy or stranger. But if I want a healthy relationship, I know avoiding a person and a mutual conflict is never going to bring us together. Then I’m forced to recognize that knowing and acting are two different things.
Your boyfriend's desire to not be contacted for multiple days, his vague demand for “space,” but refusing to elaborate, and implying that you are the problem for requesting elaboration – to me, these demonstrate an unwillingness to be open and communicative with you. Either he didn’t feel safe explaining himself or didn’t feel it was worth the time or energy it would take. Whatever the case, it's obviously not conducive to forming and maintaining a healthy bond together.
It’s tempting to hate this stranger, but I have to backtrack and remind myself I don’t know anything about him. He may be suffering from his own wounds. So I’m striving to avoid making assumptions. But I do have enough evidence to observe that he has been emotionally unavailable. Emotional unavailability is a non-starter in a relationship, for me. “Space” translates to “I’m trying to break up,” in my mind, and that combined with the emotional unavailability seems like a death knell. Here again I can (quite conveniently!) copy and paste the admission "I’m forced to recognize that knowing and acting are two different things.” My actions frequently contradict my conscience.
I reflect on this memory: I stretched and pined after a guy who had little remorse in leaving me, made little effort to see me even when he was close, and never agreed to call me a “girlfriend” even when we had been together. Now, almost a decade into a very healthy relationship, I can see how silly I was for yearning for that boy who wanted nothing to do with me. I wanted so badly to mean so much to him that I was simultaneously devaluing myself in the attempt. I’m still just learning: people who don’t value my attention aren’t worth it.
I will also readily admit I have often found this kind of drama to be exciting, to inject activity and intrigue in my life at times when I have otherwise had none. So maybe I prod and enhance it when it comes about.
"The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic” (and/or Dysfunctional Family) states that trait #8 is "We became addicted to excitement.”
This trait resonates strongly with me. However malnourished my relationship to the ACoADF program may be, I try to learn from that list. I also try very hard to see it not as an admonition of character defects, but instead a reminder of what heavy burdens I no longer have to carry around. Relatedly, I have been writing the phrase “Let Them” on my hand and that has also brought me some peace.
(Also, since I am apparently now giving a life update, exercise, (maybe) L-tyrosine supplements, sunshine, learning guitar as a new hobby, and coffee all seem to have injected new hope and vigor into my life.)
I love that you write, I love the way you write, and I totally sympathize with the hardships of initiating or completing projects. But I think you will figure out a way, and even if you never did, you sure have managed to write some compelling journal entries along the way. The rest of your impressive body of work notwithstanding. I’m inspired.
I hope you enjoyed your experience in Glasgow, and as always, admire your readiness to explore. No matter how people who come through your life may treat you, they are all privileged to have known you.
August, my heart aches for you. Love does not require non-commital "space" and then squirm at questions about what that means. Never thought I would find myself quoting one of my mother's favorite verses, but it seems that we have lost track of what love is:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Do not give up hope :)
This makes an excellent short story.
I've been in a similar situation with that "space" term. To be clear, I gave lot's of this "space" and it was never enough for them. It also, wasn't enough for me. Our needs are just as important.
Space. Or as a friend of mine once named it, The Nothing
I hope you can find a healthy relationship where he does not make you feel like you are too much. A healthy relationship would never make you feel this way.
Ohh I love this so much. You capture so many things well here. Love how you paint how it is to be insecure in a relationship and how that makes it harder to write novels. My husband was the first man I ever met who made me feel as if I were feminine and whole while being clingy. Now that I have a man who loves it when I'm clingy, the novel is doing better, too.
I have been re-reading "David Copperfield" and your writing brings me the same level of enjoyment. Your wry, vivid descriptions. “I feel like I'm really there.”
I get the urge to cast someone off completely (cf. phone turned off, gone to a different city) when they have caused me to feel abandonment feelings. For me the feeling/thought is: “See? I’m FINE. I don’t need you. I have a big, busy life filled with things that are not you!” (Without commenting on whether that behavior has really been effective for me,) that is well and good thinking for an enemy or stranger. But if I want a healthy relationship, I know avoiding a person and a mutual conflict is never going to bring us together. Then I’m forced to recognize that knowing and acting are two different things.
Your boyfriend's desire to not be contacted for multiple days, his vague demand for “space,” but refusing to elaborate, and implying that you are the problem for requesting elaboration – to me, these demonstrate an unwillingness to be open and communicative with you. Either he didn’t feel safe explaining himself or didn’t feel it was worth the time or energy it would take. Whatever the case, it's obviously not conducive to forming and maintaining a healthy bond together.
It’s tempting to hate this stranger, but I have to backtrack and remind myself I don’t know anything about him. He may be suffering from his own wounds. So I’m striving to avoid making assumptions. But I do have enough evidence to observe that he has been emotionally unavailable. Emotional unavailability is a non-starter in a relationship, for me. “Space” translates to “I’m trying to break up,” in my mind, and that combined with the emotional unavailability seems like a death knell. Here again I can (quite conveniently!) copy and paste the admission "I’m forced to recognize that knowing and acting are two different things.” My actions frequently contradict my conscience.
I reflect on this memory: I stretched and pined after a guy who had little remorse in leaving me, made little effort to see me even when he was close, and never agreed to call me a “girlfriend” even when we had been together. Now, almost a decade into a very healthy relationship, I can see how silly I was for yearning for that boy who wanted nothing to do with me. I wanted so badly to mean so much to him that I was simultaneously devaluing myself in the attempt. I’m still just learning: people who don’t value my attention aren’t worth it.
I will also readily admit I have often found this kind of drama to be exciting, to inject activity and intrigue in my life at times when I have otherwise had none. So maybe I prod and enhance it when it comes about.
"The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic” (and/or Dysfunctional Family) states that trait #8 is "We became addicted to excitement.”
This trait resonates strongly with me. However malnourished my relationship to the ACoADF program may be, I try to learn from that list. I also try very hard to see it not as an admonition of character defects, but instead a reminder of what heavy burdens I no longer have to carry around. Relatedly, I have been writing the phrase “Let Them” on my hand and that has also brought me some peace.
(Also, since I am apparently now giving a life update, exercise, (maybe) L-tyrosine supplements, sunshine, learning guitar as a new hobby, and coffee all seem to have injected new hope and vigor into my life.)
I love that you write, I love the way you write, and I totally sympathize with the hardships of initiating or completing projects. But I think you will figure out a way, and even if you never did, you sure have managed to write some compelling journal entries along the way. The rest of your impressive body of work notwithstanding. I’m inspired.
I hope you enjoyed your experience in Glasgow, and as always, admire your readiness to explore. No matter how people who come through your life may treat you, they are all privileged to have known you.
I like this more than I resent my ex.
This is gorgeous, haunting writing. As a guy who needs space, the line between introversion and avoidance can blur. For me, it's mostly introversion.
Girl I’ve been there…im sending you a great big hug…British/Scottish men and their avoidant behaviors…it’s actually impressive
Thank you for this sharp wonderful piece of writing. I can breathe again!
Beautiful and painful in equal measure. Thanks for writing it.
Read this this am and it inspired me to write my own post and put it up today! Love is so tricky. Thanks for sharing, made me feel less alone
I love when people so eloquently capture these kinds of unspoken universal
experiences
An enchanting passionate story
Ugh I love. And makes me miss Glasgow. And reminds me of my crowded overnight bus from Glasgow to london. A hellish experience, but I love this post.